Insights on Rising Again: When you’re the One Left in Relationship c.e.l.

June. A month traditionally marked by new beginnings – weddings, graduations, Bon Voyages, and all the special occurrences that we deem as exciting and invigorating.

However, for every yin there is a yang in this life.

So, what if your June is marked by an unwanted and unexpected “ending” of your relationship?  An occurrence we simply name as “he or she – left me”.

Truth is it doesn’t have to be June for it to feel as devastating and shattering as it does – but June (like February) can be particularly rough – in heartbreak.
I’ve been there.

I’ve actually been on both sides of this relationship crisis and perhaps you have as well.
Our memory is dimmed when we are internally scrambling to figure out what the hell happened, and how this could possibly be a mistake – that we can correct? Right?

I’ve also, been the one who left. Who decided to end the relationship, the marriage, or friendship – and that action involves a different energy.

Still, if you are a caring, compassionate, loving Human Being, well then – it’s still difficult, painful and heavy, but – one has the opportunity to feel more powerful, more in control. The driver.

Being left feels like a sudden death. Being the one leaving feels like it’s an ending, but also a new freedom. And truth told – it is both.

A death of relationship AND a new life relationship experience for both.                            It’s an ending, most of the time, of the thought of sharing your life with the other AND a new beginning, even though unwanted.

Of course, the new beginnings can only begin once the essential grieving is sacredly processed, and we are ready to move into new experiences waiting.

These are a given, but hard to digest this early, when pain is so raw. Right?

So, stay with me, wounded friend… there is good and powerful medicine coming.

As I said, I have been on both sides of this relationship crisis, and so I know both the courage, strength, compassion and heartache it takes for both sides. When the only option is: To leave (think: HBO-“Divorce”), to stay when you should leave (think: “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf”), OR to be left (think: “Under The Tuscan Sun”).                          It’s a no brainer. We’d all rather be “The Leaver”.

We can all list our reasons with conviction when we feel the relationship must end, especially, when we are the one sure that leaving the relationship is the best answer.

“It wasn’t all I expected. Something was missing. I didn’t feel loved. We argued all the time. I didn’t feel connected or seen. I fell out of love. It just wasn’t enough. ….”.

We can articulate with exact authority the feelings, thoughts, experiences, insights that lead us to say… “OK, I’m done, and this is over!”

Indeed, with all the righteous compassion we bring – which most times, from this place of surety and confidence, flows quite easily, and because we are the leaver, not the one being left – we attempt calm emo-management in an highly emotional space. So, we list all the reasons why we both, should be willing to amiably part ways and accept that it’s time to move on.

From our advantage it feels fair, right and aside from the sincere regret of hurting their feelings ( i.e. breaking their heart) – we are feeling stoically justified and well-balanced, adult-like in being able to see with such clarity our “Truth” as we know it, about the incompatibility of our union. And so, as a sort of self-protection we see ourselves as a good person for having the courage to do the breaking up of the union – because after all, we know with all our hearts that “some day they will thank us cause we were right”. And from this perspective there is a sense of balanced righteousness.                              And if we can set “emotion” aside for a moment, when one is truly, deeply and authentically ready to leave a relationship – fact is – they’ve actually left a long time ago.

So, regardless of the possibility that there might be some merit in that perspective –

What I imagine YOU want to KNOW now is this –
What if YOU are the one still in-love, still wanting to be stayed with,                                  and you are the One being Left?
What is your ground zero of strength and recovery?
How should you walk upon the pain of the shattered glass of this sudden onset of heartbreak?

Well, my friend, HERE is what I call some GOOD NEWS.

There is a Universe driven higher-power (Source, Creator, God, Spirit) synchronicity that is happening for you – NOW.
Hard to see it through your tears and pain of now, not expected that you do, because your heartbreak is absolutely real and must be processed.
However, there is something subtly, subconsciously comforting in just reading that there is the possibility that a more positive, happiness fulfilling – “opening” in your life – has just occurred.

That the possibility of someone “more naturally” in alignment with your ideas of connection, love, respect, fun, commitment, sex, intimacy, holistic relationship and beyond – is yet to come.

Truth is you won’t realize, register or remember that you’ve read this, good news, for a while. Determined by the freshness of your heartbreak. Your heartbreak pain may be too loud to hear anything else but itself. Still, I invite you to just see the words and let them roam and linger freely in your thoughts. I promise, you will eventually hear it.

Having this experience of abandonment, of being left in a romantic relationship is its own profound growth experience. As Rainer M. Rilke writes, “…only someone who is ready for everything, who excludes nothing, not even the most enigmatical will live the relation to another as something alive.”

As, I mentioned, I have experienced both sides of this relationship dynamic. All my relationships have been long term commitments. I was a girl longing for commitment and full-in willingness to grow and evolve within the life of the relationship. I always believed that the relationship I was “in” was for the rest of my life and I regarded all parts of it that way … until I couldn’t, and then it became a mission to resolve it, or make other choices. And, in my immaturity, I believed that to choose to leave was only acceptable at the edge of the cliff.

By the way, note, these beliefs and practices did not insulate me from heartbreak, divorce, betrayal, or any of the powerful personal struggles of romantic relationship.

But returning back to You, friend.

What IF You are the one left in the relationship?
What is here for you?
The answer is endless possibility, love opportunity and vast potential for the One in harmony with you and your special sauce of Divine love and aliveness to enter your life.
The one who left you is not the One.
As Maya Angelou is quoted as saying, “When someone shows you who they are listen to them.”

This doesn’t mean the one who left you is a bad person. They’re probably a great person, you chose them originally for a reason. Since then, what has been discovered in relationship, is that they aren’t the person in harmony with your energy or your best life. It is the relationship experience that reveals this best for both of you. Truths, expectations and all the parts that one wants in a union, sometimes rise to show they are different. Not good, not bad, just different. Now they are no longer the person who sees you through the mirror of sparkly love-filled eyes that they once did, or that you saw them with.

And that is not a right or wrong action. It simply IS.
When we accept what IS, absent any shame, or judgement – we free ourselves to open to the attracting energy of that other someone or other energy to come, which may be more our cup of tea.

We empower our own healing and resilience by shifting our perspective and meaning of the event..

That new experience of romance may not come right away but then there’s a lot of beautiful personal work to do to prepare for that new adventure.
The beautiful work involves first grieving the loss, then re-building your inner strength around courage, brave vulnerability, resilience and self-love and empowerment on all levels.

These are the callings to you in this moment. Will you answer? It is always your choice.

Relationships offers fertile ground to work out so many deep-seated issues (wants, wounds, fears) that we unknowingly carry around with us. If we just listen – see – and stay open – it is all there, and offers us opportunities to heal and give to ourselves the very love (BigLove) we need to fill the voids in our Being that exist, and constrict our capacity to live our best lives and relationships.
Now is your time.
Find the treasures buried there and mine the juicy insights and jewels of alive love that are waiting for you to ignite a new beginning.

Heartbreak that accompanies the experience of being the one left is a catalyst, a hidden spark for this deeper profound work on ourselves.
Profoundly shitty as the experience is – it can be eventually seen as a gift.

Rise to your YES to Live. And oh yes, once again, only after time is given in self-love and empowerment to honor the basic essential sacred grieving, the honoring or your heart, that must be journeyed through, but once you move through the basic steps – there is an bright opening that awaits your arrival – on the day, when you are strong and brave enough to look up and see that the dark gloomy clouds have parted and the sky faithfully there, always, behind the clouds, is still blue and full of bright, warm, vital sunshine to sparkle in your eyes with sweet potential … Yes, there is absolutely more alive and fabulous life to come.

Stronger and more in touch with oneself you can move forward to your next love and life adventure.

Please Leave any comments or feedback below – my wish is that this message is empowering and comforting to at least One sweet broken heart on the mend.

With love and support always for your journey. XO Christine

P.S (If you’d like empowering support on your journey or would like a free copy of my book “roots of forgiveness” a basic guideline on reclaiming yourself after relationship crisis  – then please visit my website: http://www.christineleoncoaching.com and leave me a message.

I wish you centered peace, love and ease… and lots of JOY!